Hi Friends,

If you’re reading this, it’s a safe to say that you know I have cancer. And that, in itself, just sucks.

You might also know I’m someone who likes to create meaning from shitty experiences - it’s the precipice of my business, Career Coach Jess. 

So this is my first try at creating meaning from my breast cancer diagnosis. Here’s what I know:

I know I’ll use this newsletter to share the highs and lows of my treatment journey, how you can help me & others going through this diagnosis and, hopefully, some food for thought on how we all can get over ourselves, off our screens and carpe diem a bit more day-to-day.

I also know I won’t be consistent in how and how often I write here. This is my coping playground and I plan to play with my words. If you know me, I hope you find it a way to stay up to date, as much as you’d like, on how I’m doing. If you don’t know me, I hope you take something from this and share with those that may be going something similar.

Thanks for being here. Let’s begin.

Milestone Holidays 🗓️

April Fools 🤪

I found a lump in my right breast, in some sick twist of fate, 6 weeks ago on April Fool’s Day.

Despite having a family history of breast cancer (my mom and aunt), I’m not someone who regularly performs self-checks on myself. Despite what many assumed, that’s not how I found the lump.

Early that afternoon, I had a random thought about the density of my breast. I know, weird. I brushed it off.

Later that evening, I was taking a shower and had a very clear thought that didn’t seem to come from me: check your right breast. So I did. And I felt a marble-sized lump under my right breast. I jumped out of the shower and asked my husband to confirm that he felt it too and he did.

I won’t pretend to know how I knew to do this - for me, I attribute this to strong intuition and likely my spirit guides (my aunt Roberta passed from Breast Cancer, my grandmother passed from Lung Cancer, and the list goes on..). I know that’s woo-woo but that’s what I think. You may call this divine intervention by God. Others may brush this off entirely. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what it was, just that it happened and I found it.

Although it was 11p and knew I wouldn’t confirm appointments until the morning, I used online portals to urgently request to be seen by my primary care and OBGYN.

After a fitful night of sleep, my angel of a primary care PA squeezed me in at lunch the next day and confirmed it was suspicious and it was time for my first mammogram. 2 days later, I breezed through the mammogram and ultrasound and confirmed I needed a biopsy. One week later, Jake & I went in for the biopsy and sat in the agony of waiting for results for 4 days.

At every procedure, we were assured that “this was likely nothing.” The internet confirmed that belief. Over 80% of biopsies are benign. We took solace in this.

But then..

Tax Day 😒

On Monday, April 15th, minutes after hanging up with my wonderful therapist who soothed the liminal space I was sitting in, I got the call no one wants to get. My radiologist who performed the biopsy said “are you home or somewhere you can sit down?” and instantly I knew my life was about to be very different.

He explained that initial pathology shows my lump is malignant - 7 years of Latin taught me mal = bad and well, this wasn’t good. He didn’t outright say “cancer” - he danced around it. “You have, ‘invasive ductal carcinoma’” - again, a latin word. One I knew means cancer. “So I have breast cancer?” I asked frantically.

“Unfortunately, yes. This wasn’t the news I wanted to deliver.”

“So, what comes next?” I asked - moving fully into an action-mode I still seem to be stuck in.

“I recommend you see a breast surgeon immediately - your doctor who referred you for initial imaging can give you a name.”

At no fault to the radiologist, the standard protocol seems to be “oh you have cancer now go find a different doctor and oh, good luck.'“ I wish I could say that this was the first inkling of how fucked up our healthcare system is but, that came weeks before when we paid ~$550 out of pocket for my initial mamogram followed by a $750 bill for follow-on biopsy. After being told repeatedly that we have “good insurance.” 🙄

So, on the afternoon I planned to submit my Q1 business taxes (which are now, understandably, late), I found myself scrambling to get an appointment.

I’d like to say I did a ton of research and approached this methodically but the way it really went was there was a referral note for a breast surgeon from my OBGYN on the top of my paper pile on my desk and I called that number - to initially be told the breast surgeon couldn’t see me until June. After an incredibly stressful 20 minutes, the surgeon received my pathology reports and, based on what he saw, moved that up to his very 1st appointment the next morning.

The rest of the week was a blur of appointments. We spent hours with my breast surgeon, a fertility consult, an oncologist consult, an MRI and two more biopsies over the course of days.

We learned what seemed like a lot of bad news that week:

👎 I have a fairly aggressive form of breast cancer - triple negative - meaning it lacks three common hormone receptors that fuel most breast cancer growth: estrogen receptors (ER), progesterone receptors (PR) and human epidermal growth factor recepter 2 (HER2). Although it sounds good to be negative, it isn’t because without these receptors, it makes treatment more challenging Without the hormonmarkets to target treatment, the treatment options are more aggressive and risk of recurrence much higher. Ugh.

👎 I’m Stage 2 and the tumor is larger than initially measured. We were hoping I’d be Stage 1 but Stage 2 is better than 3 or 4 - all about perspective!

👎 I’ll need chemotherapy. I was hoping I’d be able to treat with just lumpectomy and radiation but triple negative mandates chemo as treatement option.

We also learned some positive news:

👍 My cancer has not spread!! Both left breast and right lymph node biopsies came back negative! This was AMAZING news!

👍 A lot of the fertility process for freezing embryos is covered by our insurance! We’ve paid just under $10k out of pocket which seems like a lot but could be much, much more costly without insurance support.

👍 I have an AMAZING medical team at Lenox Hill - complete with a wonderful married couple - the Chief of Breast Surgery and Chief of Breast Imaging. I was pre-med initially in college and this process so far has been scratching that itch. I’m thankful to not have much medical anxiety and find each step of treatement more interesting than scary - I spent a lot of my childhood accompaning my dad on hospital rounds and for now I’m just pretending I’m in an episode of Grey’s.

With all this news, my next step was getting started on embryo freezing which led us to..

Mother’s Day 🐣

After 15 days of injections, I had my egg retrieval yesterday, on Mother’s Day. For those that are curious about the prep before retrival, I documented a bit of the journey here:

talkinjess

View more on Instagram

And this video best sums up how I feel about the whole thing:

talkinjess

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While Jake & I plan to keep full results to ourselves, I will share that we retrieved 24 eggs yesterday. The number 24 is incredibly special to us. We met on my 24th birthday - which is February 24th. Also Jake’s grandmother’s birthday. Close friends of mine are more often than not born on or married on the 24th of the month. To me, I choose this number as reaffirmation that the path we’re about to travel is blessed by something greater than ourselves. And that’s comforting.

Where I’m At 📍

I’m recovering from the egg retrieval. Procedure itself was totally easy (10 minutes) under twilight anestesia - just a nice short nap. Today, I am very bloated but indulging in electrolytes and salty food as instructed.

We were supposed to be in Croatia this week for a close friend’s wedding and I’m still mourning the fact that we just can’t be there. I’m at a high risk for blood clots and just wouldn’t be feeling up to that kind of air travel. My friend understands but I’m still sad about it.

In no way of a consolation, we’re still going to make the most of this week.

Wednesday, Jake Noodle & I are driing upstate for a farm getaway.

Saturday, Jake scored us tickets to SNL to see Sabrina Carpenter (I can’t stop singing Espresso).

And next week will be Week 1 of 20 weeks of my chemotherapy protocol. After chemo comes surgery (haven’t decided what type yet) and then likely radiation. Nothing is set in stone besides chemo because we need to see how I respond and I actually feel good taking things week by week and day by day.

When people ask me how I’m feeling, my general answer is surprisingly fine. I’ve been so consumed with doctor’s appointments and scheduling treatments, I don’t know if I’ve really had a chance to process this.

Despite the bloating from the egg retrieval, I feel physically fine. In fact, prior to finding the lump, I felt the best I had in a long time. 7 months sober from alcohol I felt happy with my body, happy with my mindset, and happy with where I was spiritually.

That happiness hasn’t been lost - as someone recently told me, I still AM healthy - I just have some abnormal cells.

But breast cancer specifically is a bit of a mindfuck - I had no symptoms besides finding the lump and so physically, I’ll start to feel worse from the treatment itself. Weird right?

So for now, I’m relishing the moments of feeling ok. I don’t see myself, even when I feel terrible, being consumed by despair because I know this journey, just like life, will be chalk full of moments of despair AND moments of joy.

What I Need 🙏

I’m so thankful to have an incredible support network that has been showing up already in BIG ways. Our apartment looks like a botanical garden and I have every gadget and remedy possible to face chemo extremely well equipped. So I’ve been really thinking about the true answer to “What can I do to support you?” because, I’m blessed to be getting that question a lot.

The short answer is - I don’t really know yet but I have some initial ideas beyond just good vibes/prayers/positive thoughts:

• Support for a strong mindset: Send me snail mail (reply to this email and I’ll send you a mailing address) or email with positive words. My love language is words of affirmation 💗

• Support for my recovery: I’ll gladly accept UberCash to fund Jake & I’s nourshiment and transportation to/from treatment. Just share to my personal email [email protected].

• Support for financial anxiety: The medical bills will continue to stack up & as a small business owner, I can really only work part-time right now which directly impacts how much I take in. I’m thankful to have a great support system but, as crass as it seems to me, money really will help and venmo makes that easy!

All that being said, you being here (as in making it to this point in the post) and supporting my favorite way to cope, writing, is enough. The above is just for those that want and have the ability to do more!

Phew - that was a lot but felt important to document journey for myself and for you so far.

Until next time,

Jess

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