I didn't get what I wanted for Christmas

Hi Friends,

If we’ve spoken recently, you’ll know that all I wanted for Christmas was to “achieve” pCR - a Pathological Complete Response - from my 16 rounds of chemotherapy.

For the uninitiated, means the tissue removed during my lumpectomy would show no residual cancer when tested. In the world of triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC), pCR is the gold star, the holy grail, the A+ on your chemo report card.

And I fully expected to get it.

Here’s why:

• The data was on my side. Both an ultrasound midway through chemo and an MRI after chemo detected no tumor, putting my chances of achieving pCR at ~80%.

• TNBC has one of the highest rates of pCR among breast cancer subtypes.

• I just felt cancer-free. (And I’m a firm believer in good vibes being part of the treatment plan!)

So, it really caught me off guard—and honestly, broke my heart a little—to find out I didn’t achieve pCR.

I got the pathology report a few days before Christmas. From a medical perspective, it was a “fantastic report” (direct quote from my oncologist), but it wasn’t the news I was hoping for.

The good news 🎉

• We achieved clear margins, which means all the cancerous tissue was effectively removed.

• The cancer didn’t spread—none was found in the three lymph nodes removed under my armpit.

• The chemo worked hard. It shrank my tumor from the size of a US quarter (2.4 cm) to a sesame seed (2.2 mm).

The not-so-good news 😣

• A tiny tumor remained after chemo, so I’ll need to take oral chemotherapy pills (Capecitabine/Xeloda) after radiation to ensure no rogue cancer cells are left floating around.

• Not achieving pCR increases my odds of recurrence, both locally and via distant metastasis. While I’m not dwelling on outdated statistics, it’s a reality I can’t completely ignore.

Man Plans, and God Laughs

I spent my surgery recovery dreaming about 2025—building my business back full-time, traveling, and closing this cancer chapter early on. But when I got this news, the winds were knocked out of my sails.

It felt like diagnosis day all over again. I didn’t even know post-surgery chemo was a thing. The words “Xeloda” and “Capecitabine” weren’t even in my vocabulary until now.

So, here’s the tentative plan (from my reddit research - to be confirmed in many many specialist appointments next week)

• 3–6 weeks of radiation (every weekday).

• 9 more IV immunotherapy sessions (Keytruda).

• 6–8 months of oral chemotherapy pills after radiation.

Not quite the “bell-ringing” finish I’d envisioned for February. Looks like that milestone is now pushed to summer.

The lesson 🤓

For the past week and a half, I’ve been sitting in the slumps of uncertainty and accepting that my 2025 plan I begun to form- although not totally unrealistic - is already outdated.

And, although I’ve been freely sharing this journey in real time, just like my diagnosis, I needed some time to process before sharing - even with my closest friends & family.

The perfectionist part of me feels like I failed. I didn’t get the gold star of pCR.

The logical part of me knows there’s nothing I could’ve done differently.

And my most authentic self reminds me—more than ever—that the present is all we have. Worrying about a future I can’t control is a waste of energy I just don’t have.

So, please don’t pity me. My overall outcome from treatment has been strong. This journey is just a little longer than I’d hoped.

New Years Thoughts 💭

It’s “new year, new me” season, but instead of buying into resolution culture, I’d like to offer a reframe:

What will make you feel more like yourself this year?

Not a new version of you - just a more authentic version of you.

My New Years ritual that I recently completed is to refresh my Core Desired Feelings - a a concept I swear by from Danielle LaPorte’s The Desire Map. Instead of setting external goals, I focus on how I want to feel and let that guide my choices.

Where I landed for 2025:

My main word for this year is: ✨ empower ✨ - everything I say “yes” to will be to help myself and those I serve feel more confident, automous, aligned and impactful. No more putting things off because I have cancer - just more prioritizing and figuring out how I can live the life I want in the here & now.

My 3 core desired feelings that I’d like to feel as much as humanely possible in this new year is:

📈 abundant - to make decisions from a place of possibility, not fear.

💪 strong - Physically rebuild after chemo and mentally keep practicing resilience (not that I need more practice 🙃)

🕸️ connected - to lean into and continue to build my community (that’s you!) instead of building walls when life feels overwhelming.

Want to try this exercise? Reply to this email, and I’ll send you a PDF guide to help you uncover your Core Desired Feelings for 2025. I’d love to hear what you come up with!

Cheers to holding plans loosely and our people tightly.

I am SO thankful for your support and hope everyone has a wonderful New Years, however you choose to celebrate!

Until next time,

Jess

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