Hi Friends,

I’ve had 3 chemo infusions so far and everyone keeps asking me “how are you feeling?”

Thank you for checking in! I’ve been asking myself that question as well.

My current answer: Physically, I feel suspicously good.

**knock on ALL the wood**

Unless you have personal experience with it, when you think of chemotherapy you think of what you see in TV and movies: bald heads, weak bodies and overall misery and despair.

And don’t get me wrong, those depictions exist for a reason: the side effects of chemo CAN be brutal. Our scariest doctor appointment thus far was when my medical oncologist was required to walk me through the ALL potential side effects of my 20 week chemotherapy regimen: things like organ failure, permanent nerve damage, terrible stomach issues, the list goes on.

But 3 infusions in and my only physical side effect thus far is fatigue - 10 hours sleep a night and typically a daily nap is my new normal. I’m hopeful that remains to be the case for the 9 remaining infusions of this type of chemo (Carboplatin and Taxol) before I start, in early August, 4 rounds of what is commonly as “the red devil” - named for the color and potency of the treatment. Shit might get more real then. We’ll see.

But for now, as a friend who just gave birth two weeks ago and made time to catch up in person last week wisely told me,

“Don’t search for the bad days”.

So I’m not.

Since starting chemo, I’ve:

Over these last few weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve been ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ (I kept saying this so much last week, I had to look up the idiom’s origin if you’re interested).

It hasn’t yet and so, I will continue to welcome good days as they come.

So that’s how I’m doing physically. My close friends, therapist and family go a layer deeper and have been asking - “how are you doing emotionally?”

Again - I appreciate that check-in. As a Type 3 Enneagram, checking in and actually FEELING my emotions is a concerted practice, not a given.

My current answer: Emotionally, as shitty as this diagnosis is, I feel (weirdly) thankful that cancer came at a time when I am ready to fight it. 

3 years ago in early 2021, I was smack dab in the middle of what my astrological friends call my Saturn Return.

After spending 6 months of Covid lockdown (and yes it was truly a lockdown here in NYC) focused primarily on finding the right next aligned role for me and LANDING it, I was….miserable. I started closing off to others, I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I was questioning everything but mostly I was doubting myself. 

Being the career focused gal I am (heck, I’m now Career Coach Jess), I figured my job was the problem so, somewhat hastily, I left it. The “dream job” I worked so hard to get - that doubled my income, that met all my “must haves”, yeah 1 week after my 29th birthday I up and left that.

And although there was a sort of instant relief to be out of a stressful situation, that I had mostly self created, I still was consumed by panic, doubt, and frankly loneliness. I didn’t know what I really wanted or who I was. 

If I had gotten this cancer diagnosis 3 years ago, I’m confident I would be what most people expect of someone recently diagnosed with cancer: curled up in a ball consumed by despair, stressed beyond belief and well, not so damn positive. 

But, 3 years ago - I made the choice to really do the work on myself. I realized that my career consuming my identity was unhealthy and actively took the painful steps to separate myself from what I do. So much so that I help other women do the same now.

I partnered with a therapist who I now can confidently say I don’t depend on but am so blessed to have in my life. She was the first person I told when Jake and I got engaged (because we gifted ourselves time for just us before telling all our friends & family), and she was one of my first calls when I got this diagnosis. She is a steady force that I’m so grateful for because she’s equipped me to face my big Pisces emotions instead of stuffing them away. 

I invested in friendships and family that I had been pushing away because any non-surface level talk (what I now thrive in) felt painful because I felt so lost.

I’m confident now that I went through that journey to prepare me for this fight. 

So when you say things like “you’re so strong - how are you managing this?” I think it’s because I’ve been through my own version of hell and the lowest of lows and, weirdly enough, this cancer diagnosis isn’t that.

What I Need 🙏

Thank you thank you for continuing to support - the Thursday voice notes and texts to get me through chemo mean SO much! Here’s a quick refresher on various ways you can continue to support:

• Give me your recs 📚 What are you reading/listening to/watching that you think I’d enjoy? Reply to this email and give me your recs!

• Feed me / Drive me 🍴 🚖 Not literally - but I’ll gladly accept UberCash to fund Jake & I’s nourshiment and transportation to/from treatment. Just share to my personal email [email protected].

• Fund me 💓  The medical bills continue to stack up & as a small business owner, I can really only work part-time right now which directly impacts how much I take in. I’m thankful to have a great support system but, as crass as it seems to me, money really will help and venmo makes that easy!

All that being said, you being here and supporting my favorite way to cope, writing, is enough. The above is just for those that want and have the ability to do more!Until next time,

Jess

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